One Day You Will Thank The Ex Who Dumped You

Believe it or not, your anger will turn into gratitude.

It might not be tomorrow, or next week. It might not be a month, a year, or even a few years, but in time, you will look back upon the ex you once reviled and the breakup that almost killed you, and say thanks.

I had a boyfriend I was madly in love with many years ago. We had passion, chemistry, similar interests, backgrounds, and potential. The only problem was, I was in my early 40s with a ticking biological clock and a palpable desperation to get married and pregnant, and he didn’t.

He was newly divorced, conflicted on every level, and not really emotionally available, although he made a good show of it. He gave me what I needed at the time: HOPE. He also gave me enough encouragement to feel like we were viable (actually it was more mixed signals than encouragement). Whatever we had, I took because I wanted a relationship that bad.

Dating him was a labor of love. I had to contend with his ex-wife, his young kid, and ugly divorce. Didn’t matter, I was devoted. I tolerated his reticence, took on his baggage, and kept hope alive.

I gave him my heart and soul, and then he crushed both when I found out he was cheating on me.

To be honest, he technically didn’t “dump” me; he didn’t “officially” break up with me. Rather, he let his actions do the dirty work. That he didn’t fight for me was the actual dumping.

To say I was destroyed was an understatement. The betrayal and pain were visceral. I felt taken advantage of, and my good efforts felt rejected. I took to my bed and cried for days. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or function. Eventually my pain turned to seething anger, which felt like progress at least.

Suddenly, I hated the guy I was in love with.

One wise friend said to me, “You know, Treva, one day you’ll thank him.” And I said, “Fuck off, no way.” I swore to myself I’d despise him forever, and I did for a while. That is, until I didn’t.

I don’t remember when I turned the corner, but somewhere in between therapy, support from friends, self-care, wine, weed, and time, I healed. Only after I pieced my heart back together and was on the other side of rage, did the lesson become clear:

I would never ignore my needs, betray my better judgment, or dishonor my highest good again. I would never grovel, compromise my dignity, or sell my soul for a relationship. Most of all, I refused to be desperate.

These epiphanies not only changed my life, they forever changed the way I love, and let myself be loved. Most of all, they changed the way I love MYSELF.

None of this could’ve happened without the ex.

I never thought I’d say this, but my wise friend was right. I owe my ex a debt of gratitude. Because of him, I grew into a much better version of myself. All that pain paid off, and it will for you too, if you ever get dumped. When you see how much you’ve grown, you’ll realize the struggle was worth it.

You may hate your ex initially, but eventually you’ll be grateful for the gifts he/she gives you.

You will thank your ex for giving you clarity.

You’ll see more clearly and have better insight into who you are and what you want. You’ll identify danger signs and red flags faster, and take quicker action when your needs aren’t getting met.

You will thank your ex for giving you motivation.

You’ll raise your standards, get in better shape, tie up loose ends, heal old wounds, stop repeating patterns, break bad habits, and resolve old issues. Your ex will give you newfound motivation to fix everything.

You will thank your ex for making you stronger and more resilient.

Your confidence will improve, so will your worth and value to yourself. You’ll find the power to speak up, the courage to demand better, and the self-respect not to take anyone’s shit. You will find resolve you never knew you had.

You will thank your ex for setting you free.

Instead of wasting time constantly worrying about your relationship, your energy will be freed up to do more important things, like meet someone great who truly wants you, appreciates you, and gives you the love you deserve.

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Like I said, none of these things will happen quickly, but the first day you’ve gone without crying, seething, or hating your ex, or the first day you’re more hopeful than angry, you’ll know your grudge is turning into gratitude, and you’re on your way to saying thanks….and forgiving them too.

You’re Not Truly Compatible Unless You Have This

Before I got married for the first time at 51, I thought I knew what true compatibility was: connecting on a mind, body, and soul level. If we connected on enough levels, we were compatible. Compatibility meant we had potential, possibility, maybe even a real shot at love.

Everyone has their own definition of compatibility, it’s a very personal thing. But what I learned after being single for so many years (and suffering through so many boyfriends and breakups) is that there’s more to compatibility than meets the eye.

Here’s what I’ve experienced:

Compatibility starts with great chemistry.

You get along, have fun, laugh, feel comfortable, and have great energy and attraction for each other. The conversation is lively and the communication flows. Your personalities mesh, you get each other, you’re in alignment, and vibrate at the same frequency. I knew I was compatible with someone when nothing got lost in translation when we talked.

Having common interests make you compatible.

You enjoy the same things: i.e. going to concerts, binge-watching shows, working out, or volunteering at the animal shelter. Or maybe you like doing nothing at all because you just dig each other’s company. I’m a big sports fan—playing, watching AND betting–so dating someone who shared my passion was a plus. Having similar dislikes also makes you compatible—like sharing a mutual disgust for pineapple on pizza.

Sexual compatibility counts for a lot.

Generally, you have the same sexual tastes, desires, enthusiasm, and sense of adventure or experimentation. You know how to read and please your partner. You’re both respectful and unselfish. Doesn’t matter if you love sex or hate it, if you’re prude or a perv, you’re always in synch. When you’re sexually compatible, everyone’s needs get met.

SIDE NOTE: I once had a boyfriend who hated oral. We eventually broke up, not because he wouldn’t go down on me (which was a problem) but because we didn’t see eye-to-eye about the future. He wanted one, I didn’t.

There’s compatibility if you go at the same pace. 

Both parties are in rhythm, going at the same speed, and have compatible attachment styles. No one is pushing or pulling, prodding or pressuring. Nothing feels forced, rushed, or fearful. You’re just two people enjoying the ride—neither going too slow or too fast, or holding on too tight.

Sharing the same values/political beliefs makes you compatible.

Opposites do attract (Hello KellyAnne and George Conway!) but being on the same side of the aisle can help. Like sharing the same beliefs on policy, religion, healthcare, women’s rights, etc. When you’re sympatico on the issues, you know someone’s core, and you’re united in your views. Especially in this day and age, dating someone who’s politically like-minded seems more important than ever.

P.S. KellyAnne must be a dynamo in the sack, because I personally don’t know how they stay married. Same goes for Mary Matlin and James Carville.

As I said, I thought I knew what true compatibility was, but now that I’m married, I know why past boyfriends lead to breakups. It wasn’t lack chemistry, or great sex, or politics, or pace, or mutual love of sports betting. I had all of that.

We ultimately weren’t compatible because we didn’t have the SAME GOALS OR VISION OF THE FUTURE when it came to commitment.

It doesn’t matter if you’re fuck buddies, or want to live happily ever after as husband and wife, you’ve got to be on the same page. You’ve got to want the same thing for the thing to work. That’s what will give you and your partner staying power, regardless of your arrangement.

You can have all the fun in the world, but if you’re not going in the same direction, you ain’t going anywhere.

Plus, when you share the same goals, or vision of the future, you’re not just compatible, you can overcome pretty much anything—except maybe bad oral sex. Or in my case, none at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Admit It, You Suck At Relationships

It’s OK, you can admit it. You suck at relationships.

You’re great getting into them, pretty decent getting out of them, but you suck at staying in them.

You’re not alone. I used to suck at relationships, too.

Most times, it was me. Sometimes it was them. I’d get restless, lose interest, or subconsciously pick the wrong person, because truth was, I probably wasn’t ready to commit in the first place. But sometimes, it wasn’t me, but the guy who couldn’t go the distance. It was always a round hole, square peg situation, trying to force something that wasn’t a fit.

By the time I turned 50, I had dozens upon dozens of relationships: good and bad, short-term and long, enjoyable and excruciating, painful and passionate, happy and heartbreaking. None lasted, but they all had one thing in common:

They were PRODUCTIVE.

Yes, productive. Because I always got something out of them—especially the failed ones.

All that pain, challenge, and heartbreak, were like sharp little stepping-stones on my journey; they hurt a long the way, but eventually I became grateful for what they taught me, and showed me about myself.

Just because your relationship ends, doesn’t make it (or you) a failure. It makes it an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself. In fact, the relationship that blew up, left you in tatters, or crushed your soul, can be the most productive of all.

Some would go as far to say that your failed relationship was actually a success!

Let’s hope you never breakup, let’s hope your relationship never ends, but if it does, asking yourself the following questions might put your relationship failure into a better light:

• “What’s the teachable moment here for me?

Self-examination is the greatest gift a failed relationship can give you. Owning your part, reflecting on what went wrong, and taking responsibility for your actions and emotions with acceptance, grace, and forgiveness, isn’t just empowering, it’s an auspicious move for your future relationships.

• Did it show me my potential for love?

Even if your relationship lasted a short time, even if it was a fleeting love affair, it showed you your capacity to love and be loved. You proved your ability to feel, to open your heart, and give of yourself. “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,” is true. Be glad you can love in the first place. If you did it once, you can do it again.

• What positives came out of it?

Was your life somehow enriched because of the relationship? Did you meet new people, make new friends? Did you go to interesting places or travel? Were you able to get out of your comfort zone and discover? If the relationship broadened your horizons, showed you more about life and the world, then be grateful for that.

• Are you stronger because of it?

Did the relationship show you what you were made of? Did it prove your resiliency, resolve, and affirm your self-respect? Did it honor your highest good? Did you refuse to settle or compromise yourself? If you had the courage to do all of above, good for you.

No relationship was a waste for me. Even the worst ones were productive because they brought me closer to what I wanted, and who I am today. I got a little something out of each of them, and for that, I’m thankful.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY EX BOYFRIENDS: Even though it didn’t work out for us, I want you to know I have nothing but love and appreciation. You got me to Robby, and for that, I’m beyond grateful.

If you want to grow, improve, and evolve, make failure your friend. Make it your guru and guide. Listen to it carefully and heed its lessons, because even if you have a terrible relationship track record, there’s always room to learn more and suck less.