You’re Not Truly Compatible Unless You Have This

Before I got married for the first time at 51, I thought I knew what true compatibility was: connecting on a mind, body, and soul level. If we connected on enough levels, we were compatible. Compatibility meant we had potential, possibility, maybe even a real shot at love.

Everyone has their own definition of compatibility, it’s a very personal thing. But what I learned after being single for so many years (and suffering through so many boyfriends and breakups) is that there’s more to compatibility than meets the eye.

Here’s what I’ve experienced:

Compatibility starts with great chemistry.

You get along, have fun, laugh, feel comfortable, and have great energy and attraction for each other. The conversation is lively and the communication flows. Your personalities mesh, you get each other, you’re in alignment, and vibrate at the same frequency. I knew I was compatible with someone when nothing got lost in translation when we talked.

Having common interests make you compatible.

You enjoy the same things: i.e. going to concerts, binge-watching shows, working out, or volunteering at the animal shelter. Or maybe you like doing nothing at all because you just dig each other’s company. I’m a big sports fan—playing, watching AND betting–so dating someone who shared my passion was a plus. Having similar dislikes also makes you compatible—like sharing a mutual disgust for pineapple on pizza.

Sexual compatibility counts for a lot.

Generally, you have the same sexual tastes, desires, enthusiasm, and sense of adventure or experimentation. You know how to read and please your partner. You’re both respectful and unselfish. Doesn’t matter if you love sex or hate it, if you’re prude or a perv, you’re always in synch. When you’re sexually compatible, everyone’s needs get met.

SIDE NOTE: I once had a boyfriend who hated oral. We eventually broke up, not because he wouldn’t go down on me (which was a problem) but because we didn’t see eye-to-eye about the future. He wanted one, I didn’t.

There’s compatibility if you go at the same pace. 

Both parties are in rhythm, going at the same speed, and have compatible attachment styles. No one is pushing or pulling, prodding or pressuring. Nothing feels forced, rushed, or fearful. You’re just two people enjoying the ride—neither going too slow or too fast, or holding on too tight.

Sharing the same values/political beliefs makes you compatible.

Opposites do attract (Hello KellyAnne and George Conway!) but being on the same side of the aisle can help. Like sharing the same beliefs on policy, religion, healthcare, women’s rights, etc. When you’re sympatico on the issues, you know someone’s core, and you’re united in your views. Especially in this day and age, dating someone who’s politically like-minded seems more important than ever.

P.S. KellyAnne must be a dynamo in the sack, because I personally don’t know how they stay married. Same goes for Mary Matlin and James Carville.

As I said, I thought I knew what true compatibility was, but now that I’m married, I know why past boyfriends lead to breakups. It wasn’t lack chemistry, or great sex, or politics, or pace, or mutual love of sports betting. I had all of that.

We ultimately weren’t compatible because we didn’t have the SAME GOALS OR VISION OF THE FUTURE when it came to commitment.

It doesn’t matter if you’re fuck buddies, or want to live happily ever after as husband and wife, you’ve got to be on the same page. You’ve got to want the same thing for the thing to work. That’s what will give you and your partner staying power, regardless of your arrangement.

You can have all the fun in the world, but if you’re not going in the same direction, you ain’t going anywhere.

Plus, when you share the same goals, or vision of the future, you’re not just compatible, you can overcome pretty much anything—except maybe bad oral sex. Or in my case, none at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Admit It, You Suck At Relationships

It’s OK, you can admit it. You suck at relationships.

You’re great getting into them, pretty decent getting out of them, but you suck at staying in them.

You’re not alone. I used to suck at relationships, too.

Most times, it was me. Sometimes it was them. I’d get restless, lose interest, or subconsciously pick the wrong person, because truth was, I probably wasn’t ready to commit in the first place. But sometimes, it wasn’t me, but the guy who couldn’t go the distance. It was always a round hole, square peg situation, trying to force something that wasn’t a fit.

By the time I turned 50, I had dozens upon dozens of relationships: good and bad, short-term and long, enjoyable and excruciating, painful and passionate, happy and heartbreaking. None lasted, but they all had one thing in common:

They were PRODUCTIVE.

Yes, productive. Because I always got something out of them—especially the failed ones.

All that pain, challenge, and heartbreak, were like sharp little stepping-stones on my journey; they hurt a long the way, but eventually I became grateful for what they taught me, and showed me about myself.

Just because your relationship ends, doesn’t make it (or you) a failure. It makes it an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself. In fact, the relationship that blew up, left you in tatters, or crushed your soul, can be the most productive of all.

Some would go as far to say that your failed relationship was actually a success!

Let’s hope you never breakup, let’s hope your relationship never ends, but if it does, asking yourself the following questions might put your relationship failure into a better light:

• “What’s the teachable moment here for me?

Self-examination is the greatest gift a failed relationship can give you. Owning your part, reflecting on what went wrong, and taking responsibility for your actions and emotions with acceptance, grace, and forgiveness, isn’t just empowering, it’s an auspicious move for your future relationships.

• Did it show me my potential for love?

Even if your relationship lasted a short time, even if it was a fleeting love affair, it showed you your capacity to love and be loved. You proved your ability to feel, to open your heart, and give of yourself. “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,” is true. Be glad you can love in the first place. If you did it once, you can do it again.

• What positives came out of it?

Was your life somehow enriched because of the relationship? Did you meet new people, make new friends? Did you go to interesting places or travel? Were you able to get out of your comfort zone and discover? If the relationship broadened your horizons, showed you more about life and the world, then be grateful for that.

• Are you stronger because of it?

Did the relationship show you what you were made of? Did it prove your resiliency, resolve, and affirm your self-respect? Did it honor your highest good? Did you refuse to settle or compromise yourself? If you had the courage to do all of above, good for you.

No relationship was a waste for me. Even the worst ones were productive because they brought me closer to what I wanted, and who I am today. I got a little something out of each of them, and for that, I’m thankful.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY EX BOYFRIENDS: Even though it didn’t work out for us, I want you to know I have nothing but love and appreciation. You got me to Robby, and for that, I’m beyond grateful.

If you want to grow, improve, and evolve, make failure your friend. Make it your guru and guide. Listen to it carefully and heed its lessons, because even if you have a terrible relationship track record, there’s always room to learn more and suck less.