Undecided Voters, Maybe You Should Rub One Out

I came across a Reddit thread the other day about “Post Nut Clarity.” I had no idea what the term meant, but the word “nut” gave me a clue. So after scrolling down a few hundred comments from mostly horny millennial guys, it became clear: Post nut clarity is an epiphany or realization you have after masturbating or having sex. What a mind blower! To think of all the applications post nut clarity could have in life, especially for undecided voters, got me excited.

Yes, I’m making politics sexual. That’s what you call post nut clarity!

With the election a day away, it’s hard to think anyone’s still on the fence. But if your mind still isn’t made up, if you’re still confused about ballot measures, and struggling to pick presidents, and can’t seem to pull the lever, the solution may be to pull something else.

Think about your brain when you’re horny. You can’t think straight. It’s hard to rationalize and compartmentalize. Your decision-making abilities are impaired, your critical thinking is cloudy, and you lose judgment and impulse control. Things and people often look better than they appear….like candidates and online dates.

But then you rub one out, and suddenly, you have clarity! Or, as Trump likes to say: “It’s like a miracle, one day it just goes away.” What was attractive isn’t, what was desirable, is no longer. Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a social psychologist and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, confirms this. “Once someone experiences orgasm, their thinking can become more clear.” Having post nut clarity will keep you from making the worst mistakes of your life in dating and politics.

Why does this happen? Blame brain chemistry. During sexual stimulation, there’s less blood in the brain than normal, which is replaced by endorphins, dopamine, and other feel-good hormones. After orgasm is achieved, the blood returns to the brain, making you feel like you can think more clearly. After you choke the chicken, you’ll suddenly realize that hot chick running for congress isn’t your type, and that proposition you’re about to vote for, is really a bunch of shit just benefitting billionaires.

Having sex or masturbating is an excellent pre (and post) election day activity. It’ll help you focus, it’s a great tension reliever, and it’ll mellow you out before the riots begin.

Post nut clarity isn’t just for men either, woman achieve amazing awareness from getting off. I remember years ago I was just starting to date a guy I was super attracted to. We hadn’t had sex yet, and the build-up was ridiculous. But then we did the deed, and right after I said to myself: What the hell was I thinking? 

When I was in college, I had a sorority sister who ate dinner before going on dates, because she didn’t want to be hungry and eat too much. It’s like a guy who jerks off before a date so he can concentrate on the girl, and not getting into her pants. (P.S. My husband just informed me that guys jerk off before dates in case they get lucky and don’t want to come too soon. He then added, “Of course that doesn’t work either”)

People do dumb things when they’re horny/lonely/hungry or voting in a hotly contested elections. They think with their dicks (or vaginas), not with their heads. They let fear get the best of them. They believe lies. They become immune to cruelty. They let hate blind them. They ignore their own best-interests. They get bamboozled by tax cuts, and seduced by empty promises.

If the electorate of this country got laid before casting their votes, we might have better government.

Before you pull the lever, remember, you’re committing to at least a 4-year relationship with your president, and 6-years with your senators, plus a bunch of years with new judges, school board members, etc, so you don’t want to be rash. It’s just like picking a GF/BF or choosing your spouse, you want to be 100% all-in, for the right reasons. No regrets.

If you’re still undecided about how to vote, you might want to take a few minutes to read the election materials as if it was porn. Get excited, get worked up, then shoot your political load with a clear mind and conscience. Even if you’re voting in a Red state, you don’t want to have blue balls.

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