Burping And Farting: Marriage Is A Gas!
I’ve been married for a little over six months now, and as comfortable as I am around my husband, I still can’t bring myself to burp or fart in front of him.
I will do anything to avoid anything intestinal in his presence. This includes holding it in, sucking it up, breathing through it, and running into another room to blow it out.
Am I old-fashioned, or just too much of a lady to let it rip? Aren’t some things better kept a mystery like bodily functions? Or once you’re married, are all bets off?
Sorry, but I’m mortified at the thought of any gas passing through my cheeks – both sets. And now that I’m entering menopause, it’s getting harder to hold back. I’m gassier than ever.
Early in our courtship, Robby and I were watching “Behind The Candelabra,” and I laughed so hard at Michael Douglas impersonating Liberace that I accidentally farted. I was so embarrassed I could have died. He, on the other hand, died laughing.
My husband is a guy, and guys LOVE gas, as I’m finding out. They burp and fart with abandon, and think it’s hysterical. When Robby has something to share, he bombs away with a gust of air and a blast of laughter. Marriage be damned!
Much to my surprise, every one of my married friends has a story about their spouse’s penchant for pooting. Most go like this: “Phil is just a fart looking for a place to happen. After he cuts one, he’ll say: ‘Thank you I made it myself, aren’t you proud?”
HA HA guys are SO funny! Groan.
I try not to encourage Robby, but the truth is, flatulence IS funny and even I can’t help cracking up (besides, if I held it in, it would come out somewhere else and we can’t have that, can we?) With the right timing and tenor, belching and breaking wind can be comic gold. I personally can’t do it, but I appreciate the talent it takes to pull off. For this reason, Robby’s a comic genius.
One night we were watching TV and Robby farted without saying anything, so I called him on it.
Me: Did you just say something?
Robby snickers like a mischievous 10-year-old.
Me: I thought so. Please use your words next time.
Robby: You live in Beverly Hills, don’t you speak FARTSI?
Fartsi. See what I mean? The comedy comes out everywhere in our house.
Between never cohabitating with a guy before and never having brothers, I’m relatively new to gas passing in front of the opposite sex.
And then there are those flatulating couples who’ve turned gas-passing into a competitive sport, trying to one-up each other with every expulsion. I have a girlfriend who’s so gleefully gassy, her husband proudly describes her as a Union Carbide plant. If he farts down a grocery store aisle, she lovingly calls him a “crop duster” and high-fives him for his efforts.
The question is: Do love and gas mix?
While researching the subject, I found an AskReddit message board offering the following answers:
- “After many years together, we have seen (and smelled) each other at our worst, whether it was nursing each other through food poisoning, the flu, post-surgical recovery, or just the aftermath of a big chili dinner. The odd fart or belch has to be something spectacular to make it onto the marital radar, and then is more likely to be the source of amusement than disgust. Helps if you keep your inner 10-year-old alive.”
- “This sort of situation is both appealing and disturbing. I want to be so comfortable with my husband SO that I can fart in front of him and he can still think I’m sexy, but I also fear that after a while, the stench I am capable of expelling from my anus would eventually kill our relationship.”
- “I don’t get people who hold in their farts forever. I totally do for the first several months of a relationship. Then one squeaks out after tacos or whatever, and opens the door. I particularly can’t imagine voluntarily holding your farts in for YEARS of marriage. Talk about uptight.”
- “My wife still holds it in most of the time, but sometimes she will let one out and i find it incredibly endearing when she lets me in behind the “no-fart” curtain. It’s an honor, and a privilege.”
- “Trust me, farting in front of someone doesn’t kill the romance of a relationship, having a stick up your ass does though.”
It’s been said that love means never having to say you’re sorry. I say love means never having to say you’re sorry for having gas.
Ahhh, Treva…check back with us after a year or two….or a serious bout of the flu.
After seeing me puke, the whole “being proper” went down the toilet. Still struggling with farting though. I think I’ll leave that to him.
We must discuss this the next time we get together. I think there’s more here than meets the, ah, eye.
We’ll add it to our next lunch discussion agenda: writing, life, love, and gas.
You just ought to let one after he does his then you could both get a nice little laugh together. Then you wouldnt have to (do it on your own) in front of him =)
Great idea…if only I could time it like that!
Haha just have a good meal!
The more spontaneous the better. Now bring on the chili!
Lol I didnt know it was a contest of first to clear the room hahaha
Not a contest, more a comedy show 🙂
Haha going to need to crack a window lol laughing> gaging
Haha someone is going to need to crack a window! Laughing> gaging =p
Loving your blog and both your senses of humor. But are you sure you’re not farting in your sleep? All that sphincter tone can’t be good for you in the long run…;-)
I’m sure one of us is farting at night, but we both wear ear plugs, so we can’t hear it!
Treva –
WRT farting, belching, burping or other bodily functions, when you have seen your spouse through surgeries, food poisoning, bad menstrual cramps, explosive vomiting and all of the other unpleasantness that life has to offer, farting, burping and belching are pretty tame. My wife, God love her, had to clean up the horrific mess I left *all over the floor* when I got simultaneously and violently sick out of both ends at the same time. At least I was on the toilet then. Too bad I didn’t hit the shower though. The floor didn’t fare so well, nor did I know I could puke _that_ _much_ _stuff_. You’ll get used to it.
Best,
‘V’
V, I thank you for your comments, and your wife thanks you for being such a good husband. With time, I know all my modesty will go down the toilet, so to speak.
Oh, and did I mention the colonoscopies? Yeah. You’ll fart. A lot.
Yep, that’s coming too. Assume the position!
the drugs are good but zomg that prep!!! have hubs bring a wash cloth to the procedure.