It’s OK to hate being single and I’m giving you a safe space to say it. You’ve got permission to admit you’re tired of being alone, fed up with solitude, and sick of going solo. If you’re done being single, go ahead and say it.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot to love about being single–you’ve got freedom, independence, and can call your own shots. Plus, there’s a lot less judgment and pressure these days. It’s a great life if you want it, and I had it for 51 years.
Single people, you have my respect. You’re living proudly and unapologetically, and handling single life with aplomb. Kudos to you! But if you secretly hated it, my guess is you’d keep it to yourself because in this modern dating world, you’d be admitting defeat. It’d be like throwing in the towel and waving the white flag, and we can’t have that.
The truth is, being single gets old sometimes. And depressing. And for all the great times a single life can afford, it also can make you bemoan lost opportunities, muse about what could have been, and grieve relationships that never happened.
Despite being the empowered single that I was, I felt profoundly alone at times. Holidays, New Year’s, and of course, Valentine’s Day were tough, but I managed because I had to–it’s called singles survival skills.
However, I wasn’t too tough to admit I hated it at times. I would tell family and friends. I’d cry, they’d comfort. Half the battle is being honest that you’re hurting, the other half is doing something about it (but that’s for another blog post).
Saying you hate being single doesn’t diminish you.
It doesn’t mean you’re needy or fragile. It’s not a sign of weakness or desperation. You’re not a whiner or a wimp, or less strong or stoic. It doesn’t make you anti-feminist or anti-men, or a sellout to your gender.
So much dating advice extolls the virtues of being a righteous and self-reliant singleton, and yes, I adhere to that. But the thing is, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a romantic partner, and current dating advice doesn’t leave room for that. Instead, it shames you like you’re a traitor to the cause.
Singlehood isn’t an Iron Man competition, last man standing, a loyalty test, a secret society, or a vow you take promising to uphold some kind of brotherhood. It’s just a state of being, a moment in time, and a relationship status that could change at any moment. Yes, being single can suck sometimes, but no one should shame you for daring to admit it.
In fact, admitting it is the strongest, boldest statement you could ever make, not to mention a masterclass in vulnerability (which would make social scientist and vulnerability champion, Brene Brown very proud). Admitting you hate being single is admitting you want love; it’s admitting you’re human and normal.
We all know you don’t “need” a man, nor do you need a relationship to make you happy. All I’m saying is that it’s kind of nice.
Dating advice writer Ossiana Tephenhart‘s article “Believe it or Not, it’s Okay to Cry about Being Single,” backs up exactly what I’m saying so I’m including it here. She’s a fellow dating advice writer that I respect.
She sees single life as I do: A big, expansive world full of possibility and possible heartache. We both agree that dating is a wonderful adventure, with no guarantees, promises, rhyme or reason. The search for love is a mystery, chemistry is inexplicable, and no one knows how it all works. You can do all the right things, and still end up single.
It’s OK to want love.
Life is random, and much of it is out of our control. For singles, control (or lack of) might mean heartache (or freedom, depending on how evolved you are). I wasn’t evolved enough to understand this when I was single because I thought I was in control of everything…especially my love life. HA! Little did I know!
But with heartache comes hope and healing, which you find through acceptance and self-compassion. It starts by giving yourself grace to be sad, space to grieve, and permission to feel shitty about being single.
Then, after the pity party, you need to snap out of it and make a promise to yourself.
Make a promise that you won’t give up on love or beat yourself because you haven’t locked it down yet. Promise you’ll make peace with your relationship status, go on with your life, and continue to do things that bring you joy. Promise you’ll let go of control, and keep an eye out for that chance encounter.
That’s right. As much as you’re going to hate hearing this, love does happen when you least expect it.
Happy Valentine’s single people, and here’s to love–wanting it, having it, and not feeling bad about it.
Love,
Treva
P.S. It’s OK to admit you hate being single, but it’s not OK to stay stuck there forever. If you need a reset, reboot, or snap out of your sadness, apply for a complimentary 45-minute breakthrough session with me here and let’s get you back to being an empowered (and happy) single!
P.S.S. If you’re done being single, pick up my book “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” and get all my curated tips, tools, secrets, and strategies to finding healthy and lasting love.
