As a dating coach, I often wonder what happened to civility in dating. Where did it go? How did we lose it? When did people forget to be kind to each other? What killed dating etiquette, and who’s to blame for its sorry state?
Based on my observations, it’s a combination of dating apps, eroding social norms, social media, and the divisive world we’re living in. I talked about this at length in my last post, “Trump Is Making My Job Harder as a Dating Coach.”
But let’s start with dating apps. A concept that started off with good intentions to connect people and help them find love, has unfortunately turned into a toxic waste dump of bad behavior: The matches that go unreplied, the conversations that evaporate after saying “hi,” the maybe dates that never materialize…you know what I’m talking about.
I got out of the dating market just as online dating was gaining acceptance (and losing its stigma) but right before the explosion of dating apps. Before dating apps, people managed to date with some semblance of consideration and courtesy. Now it’s a shitshow of cruelty.
Listening to my clients’ tales of romantic woe makes me want to take their dates over my knee and give them a good spanking—and not the good kind either!
If anything has expedited the death of romance and human decency, it’s swipe culture.
- There’s no accountability or personal responsibility.
- Their anonymous nature allows people to behave in ways they never would in real life.
- They artificially raise everyone’s standards by creating the illusion of infinite choice.
- They treat people as disposable.
- They make people lazy.
- They give people a false sense of entitlement and importance.
- They encourage people to adopt a BBD mindset (“Bigger, Better Deal”).
If you’ve been spared this indignity (lucky you), or you’re unconvinced dating apps are socially corrosive, or you don’t believe just how hurtful people can be, here are some real tales of dating woe straight from my clients’ mouths (names have been changed to protect the innocent).
The first one comes from Mike (64), a divorced dad, retired lawyer, cute, total gentleman. He’s a good guy and wants to find a good woman.
He met a divorced, age-appropriate woman on Bumble, and they hit it off. There was chemistry and a nice connection, so they went out a few times. Things were going swimmingly when he received this text after the third date:
“I’m sorry Mike.
But I don’t want to be wealthier than a partner I choose.
I gather you DONT practice law any longer for a reason- none of my business.
I am wealthy and it may be hard to find a successful man more financially set than I am
But I’m going to try. Not because I need him to have lots of money- it’s just my preference and the lifestyle I’m searching for.
No judgement but you rent an apartment which is not in Brentwood.
Ultimately I’d like to purchase a large home in Beverly Hills or Brentwood.
I paid cash for my home in Calabasas. No mortgage or car payments or anything like that.
If I don’t find a partner with that to help provide that lifestyle- I’d rather be single.
Good luck”
Really lady? You couldn’t just say “Thanks Mike, I had a really nice time, but I don’t think we’re a match” or something like that? You had to go full heartless, shallow bitch on him, making him feel bad on top of feeling rejected?
Here’s another tale of dating woe from client Todd, 53, divorced, works in tech, attractive and nice. He’s active on the apps, and has no problem meeting women, but when it comes to setting up dates, this happens:
“ALL of them either did not show up for the date or cancelled without rescheduling within 2-hours of the time we were supposed to meet … ridiculous. I don’t mean to paint your gender with a broad brush, but modern women think that this is perfectly acceptable behavior … it is NOT. There might be a lame excuse to reschedule or why he was late, a boring first-date without a second if he wasn’t into the woman, but a man of his word would NEVER just not show up.”
Does being on a dating app suddenly excuse you from being a good human being? Is there something hidden in the terms and conditions that exempts users from having to be respectful toward fellow daters?
This next tale of dating woe is from a beautiful, smart, female friend of mine. She’s on the apps but is always grateful to be fixed up.
“The worst is when a friend sets me up with a guy, gives him my name and number, and then he never calls. It makes things awkward because my friend will get mad at the guy and start feeling bad for me. The whole situation is disappointing because set-ups are better than meeting a complete stranger.”
So let me get this straight. You do a nice thing and fix two people up—which is a lovely gesture–and after setting it up, briefing them on each other, and putting it all into motion, the guy who’s supposed to call, completely drops the ball and doesn’t call. Completely ghosts without even meeting.
The moral of all these stories is if you’re going do something, do it. Or don’t. Don’t say “Yes, I’ll call,” or “Yes I’ll show up,” and not do it. And if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all! Sheesh!
I really want to love dating apps because they’ve brought so many people together. I want to think of them as a force of good. I’m just so disappointed in how people use them (or misuse them rather).
Here are my guesses as to why:
- Narcississm.
- Needing to have power and control.
- Asserting dominance over others.
- Feeling powerless in other areas of life.
- Reinforcing their own sense of superiority.
- Overcompensating for insecurities.
- Lack of empathy.
- Feeding their overinflated ego.
Single people, if you see a little of yourself here, or if you’re a little guilty of being a dick, you can always change your ways. You can always become a better, kinder, and more compassionate person. If you can’t, a good spanking might help!
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If you’re looking for more actionable dating advice, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.
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