I don’t know how wanting a man or relationship became so uncool, so cringe, so frowned upon.
I have my theories: feminism, #MeToo, the patriarchy, social media, dating apps, dating burnout, I could go on, but I don’t really care what caused it. All I care about is that we get some perspective.
I say this not just as a dating coach, but as an advocate for love, and a champion of people who still want it, believe in it, and hold out hope for it.
If you’ve blown off relationships, or hate men and have no desire to ever date again, there’s no need to read further. More power to you. This article isn’t for you, although I’d still love for you to read it, just in case you change your mind.
Over the last couple years, I’ve watched as more and more single women have collectively decided that men and relationships aren’t needed nor worth it, and to want one, is to be a defector of the singles sisterhood, and a betrayer of single women in general. Nothing could be further than the truth. You can be an empowered single and still stay open to love. Two things can be true at the same time.
Wanting a man doesn’t make you a sellout to the singles cause. Wanting a relationship doesn’t make you a traitor, and longing for love doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
This current anti-man attitude is so corrosive and counterproductive, it hurts my heart. You know why? Because I was a single woman once. I was solo till I was 51, and during those years, I had more breakups, heartache, and relationship fails than most single women will ever have in their lifetimes. Even with everything I went through, I never became so brittle, bitter, or self-righteous that I would turn my back on love and tell men to fuck off.
And that’s what’s happening today. It appears that single women have become a reliable voting bloc against men and relationships.
In the article, “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” British Vogue contributor Stephanie Yaboah recounts the time she announced her relationship on social media by sharing photos of her and her boyfriend, which caused her to lose hundreds of followers. The backlash to her relationship was vicious.
Imagine women not being happy for partnered women. Sheesh!
Stephanie ended up breaking up with the boyfriend, then expressed regret about posting her photos: “Even if we were still together, I wouldn’t post them. There is something cringey and embarrassing about constantly posting your partner these days. There is a part of me that would also feel guilty for sharing my partner constantly—especially when we know the dating landscape is really bad at the moment. I wouldn’t want to be boastful.”
If you don’t read the full article, here’s the gist: Being with a man is almost a guilty thing to do these days.
At the same time single women are looking down their noses at coupledom, they’re elevating being alone. Being single used to be disparaged, not anymore. If you’re single, you’re united in solidarity. You’re part of a club and a cause. And should you have a secret desire for love and romance, just don’t say it out loud lest you get shamed or canceled.
There’s a lot of this sentiment going around. In The Atlantic article, “The False Cheer of Single Positivity,” writer Faith Hill sheds light on the single woman’s inner conflict: “The culture tells us, simultaneously, that we should be in a couple and that we should feel whole all by ourselves. We should have a partner, but we shouldn’t want one.”
Here’s my message to women: There should be no shame if you want a relationship, and no shame if you don’t. This is the no-judgment zone, so you do you.
When I was single, I had no problem admitting I wanted to get married. Anyone who knew me, knew exactly what my goals/dreams/desires/hopes were. It was no secret. I never tried to talk myself out of it, deny it, or pretend I didn’t care. I cared.
The difference between me then and women now, according to Faith Hill is that “The 21st-century single woman is the one who has to prove her complete humanity by performing her contentment. She is empowered; she’s badass; she slays. She might also grieve—but no one really wants to talk about that.”
Even though I like to think I was the poster child for empowered singlehood and strong, independent women, I wasn’t strong all the time. I wasn’t some badass who reveled in her ability to be by herself or congratulated herself for not needing a man. I was strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable, though. I talked about it. I blogged about it. I wrote a book about it. If I was single today and did that, I’d be laughed out of the sisterhood.
Let’s be clear:
Do I need a man? No.
Do I have my own money? Yes.
Can I fix stuff by myself? Yes.
Can I make good decisions for myself? Yes.
Can I get through crises alone? Yes.
I still can’t change a flat tire, but I can drive a stick shift in L.A. traffic, which definitely qualifies me for badass status.
There’s lots of us strong, independent types who aren’t afraid to say we love men, masculinity, chivalry, and traditional gender roles. I for one, am not above admitting I like having a partner. I like being married. I like having someone to cuddle with, someone to take care of me when I’m sick, someone to support and protect me, someone to hold my hand when I’m scared, and someone to hug me after a tough day.
As an only child/latchkey child with no kids, these things are not insignificant.
I’m not exactly the “Surrendered Wife,” but I’m secure enough in my femininity and personal power to let the man be the man. You want to take charge? Be my guest! You want to take the lead? Knock yourself out! It’s nice to not have to be in control of everything every minute of my life, I’ll admit that too.
And even though I love being called Mrs. Scharf, I kept my maiden name Brandon as a reminder of who I was before I got married, and what I accomplished as a single woman.
Just to repeat, there’s no shame in:
Wanting to love and be loved.
Wanting to be protected.
Wanting to be nurtured.
Wanting to be cared for.
Whether you need it or not.
It’s not embarrassing.
It’s not a betrayal.
To be honest, I think women say they don’t need men as a way to protect themselves from hurt and disappointment. It’s a legit fear, and I get it. But I hope you beautiful badasses will reconsider, and one day come back to the other sisterhood, where you can be strong and independent and still want love too.
For more actionable dating advice like this, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 30-minute discovery session here.
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