We all know phones can be intrusive and distracting, but if you’re single, your phone could be doing something worse: it could be keeping you single. Your phones aren’t helping your search for love; they’re in fact, keeping you from finding it–you just haven’t realized it yet.
But single people need phones! They need dating apps! How else are they going to date!? I’m not saying ditch dating apps altogether, I’m suggesting another way to find love: Put your phones down and look up.
Because your soul mate might be standing right in front of you.
What if that attractive woman you’re looking at isn’t seeing you because she’s texting? Or that cute guy next to you at Starbucks you’d love to chat with but can’t because he’s too busy scrolling? What if the man or woman of your dreams is standing right in front of your face and you miss it?
See what I mean? Phones ruin the moment.
When you make an in-person connection with someone, there’s an instant spark. It’s spontaneous, romantic, but in order for it to work, you must be fully engaged—with a human, not a device. You can’t be hiding behind a screen when love is IRL.
In a recent NYT article, “Want to Find the Love of Your Life? Look Up,” writer Gina Cherelus offers these scenarios:
“Maybe it’s making a point of not looking at your phone in the elevator. Or perhaps it’s committing to spend the entirety of your subway ride without headphones on, one day a week. While either might seem inconceivable in the 21st century, putting down your digital defenses may create the opportunity for a chance encounter — if that’s what you’re after.”
Phones are addicting, and resisting the urge to use them will take discipline and practice. Yes, it’ll be hard at first, but when you know the potential payoff is a random encounter, catching someone’s eye, or meeting the love of your life, you’ll do what it takes.
Limiting your phone use has upsides—and not just for singles. I’m married and I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t mildly addicted to my phone. Phones are drugs, let’s be honest. I’ve become so aware of my habit (and so disturbed by it) that I’ve put together a to-do list to help ween myself off.
I’m a work in progress, but so far so good:
- I try not to respond to every text chime or ping.
- When I’m out, I keep my phone in my purse or pocket (not in my hand!) to make it harder to retrieve.
- If I’m bored, I don’t automatically grab my phone. Instead, I breathe through it.
- If I’m home watching TV, I place my phone in another room so I can focus.
- I make it a personal challenge/game to go as long as I can without checking my phone.
- I’m mindful of Big Tech’s diabolical desire to own us, which makes me want to get off my phone in protest.
- You’re a walking zombie if you read your phone while walking (especially crossing streets). I will never do it because I’m farsighted and can’t walk and read at the same time.
- If I’m out to dinner with friends, I never put my phone on the table.
- I NEVER look at my phone while I’m working out.
- I don’t wake up to my phone and have stopped reading it last thing at night.
And here’s what I’ve discovered so far: The less you look at your phone, the less you NEED to look at your phone.
Now back to single people.
As mentioned above, I realize singles depend on dating apps, but Jennifer McGahan, a single woman/dating blogger has a simple request in her latest post: “Gentlemen, when you go out tonight, look up from your phone! You might see us ladies out tonight too. Quit swiping your life away. Meet us women in real life.”
When it comes to being on phones vs. being present and in the moment, she and I are on the same page.
“Something seems to be happening to people again lately, a new wave of what I call the look of being “emotionally checked out.” I have noticed it since COVID but lately it seems to be escalating again. So many people I see walking around act like zombies, staring at their phone and they are missing out on so much going on around them. I will not be one of those people tonight or really ever.”
Do you even know what you’re missing when you’re staring at your phone or plugged into your headphones? You’re missing shared experiences, interesting people, potential love interests, and maybe your next date.
Pick your head up dude, your dream girl just walked right past you and you didn’t even notice!
Here’s a question: When was the last time you people-watched? Just sat and watched the passing parade and wonders of humanity? You’re missing that too.
Ask yourself: Do I really need to pull out my phone? No, you actually don’t (except to read this article, of course).
Every time you go out, everywhere you go are opportunities for connection and conversation. Remove your phone from the equation, and you’re already making yourself more available.
PRO TIP:
If you’re dining solo and are open to interaction, bring a book (hardback with a cover is preferable). It’s a great conversation starter. If you’d rather be on your phone, at least look up occasionally and take note of who’s around you.
Remember, the real world is not on hold, it won’t wait for you to get off the phone. You need to be in the moment for that instant spark to happen. Don’t let your phone be the thing that ruins it.
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For more actionable dating advice like this, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.
For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.
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