We’ve all had that one that got away.
It’s the boyfriend you dumped, the girlfriend that didn’t last, the relationship that didn’t work out, or the marriage that didn’t make it.
The one that got away may either be long gone, or still hanging around–if just in your mind. And there’s usually a pattern or reason as to when and why they come back into your head: It’s either when you’ve just ended a relationship with someone else and you’re single again, or you’re feeling lonely, or when you see your ex out with a new person, or you’ve decided in hindsight that your ex wasn’t so bad after all.
The ones that got away will have you reliving old memories, looking back with nostalgia, romanticizing about what life would’ve been like, and haunting you with “what ifs.”
They could even have you kicking yourself for letting them go.
The one that got away was great while it lasted. There was really nothing wrong with them–they were sweet, good hearted, even potential marriage material. You had high hopes, and as much as you wanted it to work, you just weren’t feeling it, so you took the high road and ended it.
“It’s not you, it’s me,” is what we say to the ones that get away.
The truth is, the one that got away didn’t really get away, you let them go. And for good reason:
- You didn’t see a future with them.
- You had different goals.
- You weren’t ready to commit.
- The relationship ran its course.
- You outgrew them.
- You fell out of love.
- You became incompatible.
Breaking up is hard; someone always gets hurt, but the pain of staying when you know your heart isn’t into it, is worse. The one that got away deserves more.
But all doesn’t have to be lost. The one that got away can be an opportunity to learn something about yourself, especially if the breakup left you asking: “What’s wrong with me?” The one that got away can show you where you need fixing/healing or help. If you blew up a perfectly good relationship, or your relationships aren’t working in general, the one that got away can be your moment of truth.
If it’s not them and it’s you, maybe it’s time to find out why.
Maybe you’re undermining your chances at love. Maybe you’re self-sabotaging. Maybe you’re anxiously attached and driving good people away. Maybe you feel like you don’t deserve a healthy relationship. Maybe you’re avoidant or fearful. Maybe you preemptively end things before you get hurt. Maybe you’ve got unresolved trauma that interferes with your ability to get close. Maybe intimacy makes you feel too vulnerable and it’d be much safer to stay single than risk getting your heart broken.
It was me, not always them.
After years of being single, and many ones that got away, I finally gathered the courage to find out why. I went into therapy, learned about attachment theory, took up a meditation practice, studied my astrological chart, and basically got very real with myself. I was on a mission to figure out what was wrong.
It turns out my parents and upbringing had a ton to do with how I saw love, but I can’t blame them entirely for my choices. I’m just a person who needed some healing, and time to understand and accept herself.
Here’s what I also found out: Acceptance is EVERYTHING. We are all flawed, imperfect beings, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you make peace/come to terms with who you are and what you want, the sooner you’ll find it, and the sooner it will find YOU.
As much as you may want a relationship, you must be willing to walk away from the ones that don’t work. Don’t second guess, and don’t live with regret. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Trust your instincts and intuition. You can dream, muse, fantasize all day long about what could’ve been, but leave it at that. Don’t keep yourself chained to the past. You moved on for a reason, so honor that!
Let the one that got away, get away–and don’t look back. Because when you release that person, you will also release yourself for something better.
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If you’re looking for actionable dating advice, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
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