There was a time in our dating culture when men approached women. That’s right. In real life. In-person. Face-to-face.

If a guy saw a woman he liked, he’d gather his courage, take the initiative, and make the first move. And if the woman was receptive, she’d flirt back, and it was on.

This of course was before #MeToo, toxic masculinity/feminism, dating apps, sliding into DMs, and shifting dating power dynamics. In other words, before dating got messy and complicated, and human contact fell out of favor.

Now men won’t even even look at a woman, let alone approach one. And what do women want? Not to be ignored, I would think, but many just want to be left alone, so ignored they will be.

NEWSFLASH: When everyone’s rejecting each other, hating on each other, and avoiding each other like the plague, good luck finding love.

If you say you’re sick of swiping and burned out on apps, but not ready to quit dating, or go your own way, or commit to an AI romance bot, then what’s the solution?

Make the first move IRL.

It’s the dating world’s last stand, and humanity’s last hope! I’m not even joking when I say that. People need to call a truce.

Making the first move might be a relic from the past, but if done respectfully, it can be a good move (especially if you’re of a certain age and miss flirting or being hit on). Before digital dating, that’s all we had, and I personally loved it. I still love the word “suitor,” that’s how old-fashioned I am. But dating has changed, and what was once considered charming and courtly, is now outdated and unwanted.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!

Men, I’m sorry that making the first move could label you a creep, or worse, get you into legal peril. I’m sorry there were some bad guys who ruined it for everyone. But like I said, there’s hope — for both genders.

Women, it’s now cool for you to take the initiative, and men will thank you for it!

What’s Old Is New Again

I may be old, but making the first move will always be hot (regardless of who does it) and making an effort will always be sexy. Thankfully, old-fashioned romance isn’t dead yet, it’s evolving, and so must we.

If you’re ready to make the first move, here’s your chance with these 8 low-risk, low-rejection micro-interactions. As you’ll see, the first move doesn’t need to be big or scary, in fact, the smaller, more subtle, and stealthier the better.

NOTE: All of these tips require self-awareness and tact. If your first move is rebuffed, take the high road and move on. If you’re on the receiving end and not interested, be gracious about it. It takes balls to make the first move, so let’s at least give each other some credit for trying.

In order to make this IRL thing work, there needs to be mutual understanding and cooperation, so don’t be so quick to lose your shit and say no fucking way. Remember, you’re all in this together. 

#1 Make eye contact.

Making eye contact is the very definition of making the first move. It’s the initial moment of contact. Catching someone’s eye, even the exchange of a quick glance, sends a clear and unambiguous signal of interest.

#2 Smile.

Nothing will lower someone’s guard and disarm their defenses faster than a smile. Smiling is your calling card, and immediately puts someone at ease. A smile signals that you’re open and approachable. Mutual eye contact and smiling is a good sign it’s OK to proceed.

“When you give someone eye contact and a smile, it demonstrates ‘You exist, fellow human, I see you,’ and it makes them feel good. And you feel good too when they do it back to you.”–Julie Lythcott-Haims

#3 Say hello for no reason.

I’ve been noticing lately when I walk down my neighborhood streets, no one looks at me, says hello or good morning. And I’m a neighbor! Everyone is either looking at their phone or wearing earbuds and treats you like you’re invisible.

Honestly, would it kill you to say hi back?

Research shows that when you look right through someone as if they aren’t there, they feel a small sting. Saying hello or even just a nod, can make someone feel seen and acknowledged.

P.S. Wearing earbuds is code for “Leave me alone,” so if you want to meet people in real life, I suggest removing them so you’re fully present and ready to engage.

#4 Pay someone a compliment.

Never underestimate the power of a compliment. It’s an unexpected gesture that boosts morale, creates goodwill, and wins you points.

Paying someone a compliment makes you feel good too. I don’t know who said this, but “The easiest way to make yourself happy is make someone else happy.”

#5 Talk to strangers.

I know your parents said never talk to strangers, but if it helps you meet your future wife or husband, I think they’d be all for it. Striking up a random conversation, or even just showing some kindness toward someone can spark connection and make someone feel less isolated or lonely.

Next time you’re in line for coffee or at the store, make some small talk with the person next to you and see where it goes.

#6 Ask someone a question.

Posing a question has tons of upsides: it breaks the ice, you get your information, and it can make someone feel needed and helpful. Plus, it organically opens up further conversation which could lead to greater things.

#7 Pet someone’s dog and talk to its owner.

There’s a reason they call dogs “chick magnets.” Furry friends are the ultimate wingmen, and the most natural and non-obvious way to start chatting someone up.

#8 Go back to the office.

You’re going to hate me for this, but the office, and the activity surrounding it (stores, restaurants, and bars) are goldmines for human interaction and untapped resources for meeting fellow singles.

It Works If You Work It

None of these tips will work unless you first GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and let serendipity work its magic. Go shop, eat, socialize, exercise, work, do anything that’ll get you off your phone, your ass off the couch, and your face in front of people.

And here’s the best part: Because so few people are doing it, if you make the first move, you will make your mark. And that’s hot if you ask me.

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If you’re looking for more actionable advice like this, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

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